So there’s this script I’ve written for a short video of “Pepe Silvia,” but with Steven Universe and Lars.
Ive decided I don’t have the time to do this project, so if anyone wants to use it as an animation, comic, or whatever, they can.
PEPE SILVIA
Steven walks into office with Lars acting stressed out.
STEVEN
Those are guys are onto me, Lars. I am so stressed out. I think I’m having a panic attack!
LARS
You wanna talk about stress? Talking about STRESS? Yeah.
Lars places his finger on Steven’s chest.
LARS
There’s a conspiracy that I’ve stumbled upon, so how’s that for stress?!
STEVEN
What the hell are you talking about?
LARS
This company's being bled like a stuffed pig, and I got a paper trail to prove it. Follow me.
STEVEN
”Steve?” What?
Lars takes a puff of his smoke, and heads to his desk.
LARS
Check this out
STEVEN
…….Jesus Christ, Lars!
Piles of letters and paper are surrounding Lars’ desk. Multiple coworkers names have been written on the wall with sharpie ink.
LARS
THIS is the mail! Now can we talk about the mail, Steven, I’ve been dying to talk about the mail with you all day. Please, Steve?
STEVEN
(Whisper) What is wrong with you?
LARS
The name “Lapis Lazuli” has been appearing in my mail box. Every day Lapis’ mail is being sent to me. ALL THE TIME! LAPIS LAZULI!! LAPIS LAZULI!! Why this whole BOX IS JUST LAPIS LAZULI!!
So, I say to myself, I’ve gotta find him, I gotta put the mail IN THE GUY’S goddamn hands, otherwise he’s never gonna get it. It’ll just keep getting sent down here.
Steven looks confused.
LARS
So, I go up to his office, and what do I find out??!….. there is no Lapis Lazuli. The man does not exist. So, I choose to think “Oooooh SHIT, Lars, I gotta dig a little deeper. There’s no Lapis Lazuli, you gotta be kidding, I GOT BOXES FULL OF LAPIS!!”
So, I march my ass down to Connie in HR!! And I know on her door, and I’m yelling “CONNIEEE, CONNIEEE!! I gotta talk to you about Lapis!” And when I open the door, what do I find there’s not a single goddamn desk in that office, there IS! NO! CONnie in HR…..
Nothing. Half the employees in this office have been made up! This office is a goddamn ghost town.
Steven slaps himself in the face. He uncovers his face to speak.
STEVEN
Lars, I’m gonna have to stop you right there. Not only do ALL these people exist, but they’ve been asking for their mail for weeks now. THATS ALL THEY TALK ABOUT UP THERE, Dear God, we are gonna lose our jobs!
LARS
Well, calm down, because there’s one thing that’s not gonna happen……
STEVEN
What?
LARS
We’re not gonna get fired….
STEVEN
We’re not???
LARS
Because we’ve already been fired.
Steven’s mouth gapes open in shock.
STEVEN
We’ve lost our jobs??!?
LARS
Yep. About three days ago, a couple of pink slips came in the mail, one for you and one for Lars. So, what did I do, but send them HALFWAY to Siberia!
STEVEN
Lars, if we lost our jobs, that means we lost our health insurance, meaning all this shit was for nothing! FUCKS SAKE, I’m having a panic attack, I’m ACTUALLY having a panic attack!
GULP
LARS
Look, would you just get yourself another cup of coffee?
STEVEN
I am, dude!
LARS
Ok, look, Garnet, could you give Steve here a cigarette?
STEVEN
Would you stop calling me Garnet… Wait, who?
LARS
Garnet, he’s the guy that tipped me off to Lapis Lazuli…
STEVEN
GARNET? Who the hell is Garnet?
LARS
YOU CAN’T SEE- oh shit. Where’d he……
STEVEN
You’ve lost your mind, you’ve lost your GODDAMN MIND, LARS!!!
AMETHYST
Steven!
Steve turns around. Amethyst in a suit comes around the corner.
AMETHYST
Who the hell are you talking to?
Steven looks back at Lars. He’s gone out the window.
AMETHYST
Wait, is that the missing mail??!
Steven slaps himself in the face.
STEVEN
Goddamn it, Lars.